


Dumb Jock

by WinterPeach



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Comedy, Coming Out, Everyone is Queer, Homophobic Language, Never mind completely ooc, No Despair, Probably ooc, Slurs, Trans Saihara, except miu, horrible misunderstandings, implied polyamory, kaito has glow in the dark stars, kaito is a dumbass, trans kaede
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 12:11:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14332218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterPeach/pseuds/WinterPeach
Summary: OR "Kaito somehow thinks all his classmates are straight and cis despite plenty of evidence against this"





	Dumb Jock

**Author's Note:**

> Kaito says some kinda homophobic things in game but I'd like to believe he's just an idiot who doesn't know better. That being said, there are slurs against trans and queer folks used by him in this fic. He does apologize for it at the end, but please be warned that he does use the t-slur and the f-slur.

 

_"What Do You Mean You're All Queer?"_

**Tenko Chabashira** -

Kaito Momota was never quite sure what to make of Chabashira. She was incredibly strong and dedicated, which he would respect, but she also hated men with a passion he thought was more than a little irrational.

“Himiko! You shouldn’t associate with such disgusting boys!” She declared as soon as she spotted Yumeno sitting by Kaito and Shuuichi. Surprisingly, the detective boy didn’t look all that offended at being called disgusting.

“What’s wrong with boys, huh?” He asked, trying not to be rude. Chabashira seemed like someone he could be friends with, if she got over her fear of guys anyway.

“Boys are gross. Tenko doesn’t want Himiko to be defiled by any of you!” Yumeno blushed at Chabashira’s declaration.

“Nyeeeh… you shouldn’t say things like that Tenko. You should be nicer.” Yumeno said slowly. Chabashira ducked her head and muttered an apology to Yumeno.

Kaito looked over at Shuuichi. “Chabashira’s not gonna get a boyfriend if she keeps hating men,” he said with some pity in his voice.

“For some reason, I don’t think that’s a problem to her,” Shuuichi replied, watching Yumeno and Chabashira walk away, Yumeno clearly chattering away about whatever weird magic she thought she had with Chabashira listening intently.

 

**Kiibo-**

Kaito stared in disbelief as Iruma (Iruma of all people) attempted to explain what a gender was to Kiibo. The robot seemed to grow more and more baffled the more Iruma spoke, so Kaito decided it was time to butt in.

“Look, I guess robots don’t have dicks or whatever but your creator gave you a dude name and a dude-like body, so you’re a guy. Don’t overthink it.”

“But how would Professor Idabashi know what I was when he created my body? What if he was mistaken?”

Kaito shrugged. “I dunno, I guess you could ask a tranny about that shit. I just know I’m a guy cause I got guy parts and chicks are chicks cause they have girl parts.”

Iruma frowned at Kaito’s explanation. “If you wanna be a girl Kiibo, I can make you some cool robot tits. Just lemme know.”

 

**Tsumugi Shirogane-**

Shirogane was furiously typing as she ranted at Kaito. All he wanted to do was ask if She was willing to switch chores for the week, but she had dragged him into a one sided conversation about the various “shipping” possibilities for their classmates.

“You and Harukawa would be a logical ship but it’s a little too straight… maybe you and Saihara? That way Akamatsu and him can’t be together… Oh but hm Ouma and Saihara works too…”

“Shirogane please I just wanna talk about switching our cleaning duties for this week,” Kaito begged. “I don’t wanna listen to you talk about your weird friend fanfiction where everyone is gay or whatever.”

“It’s not fanfiction! I’m analyzing our interactions to see which relationships are the most likely to occur based on the knowledge I have.”

“But everyone’s straight?” Kaito said as if it was obvious. “I think it would be pretty obvious if anyone swung that way.”

Shirogane let out a small snort but continued to ignore him. “I wonder what my compatibility with Akamatsu is… We don’t have all that much in common but maybe… Popular girl and shy girl is a trope…”

Kaito backed away from Shirogane, deciding there was no way he was going to get any sort of legitimate response out of her as long as she was working on her weird classmate dating charts. Maybe he’d ask Hoshi or Gonta to switch for the week instead.

 

**Ryoma Hoshi-**

“Come on man, there’s gotta be something worth living for, right?” Kaito prodded. He couldn’t understand why Hoshi insisted his life wasn’t worth living. He was amazing at tennis! There wasn’t a single player who didn’t know about the great Ryoma Hoshi.

“Not really. I don’t want to play tennis anymore. There’s nothing else I’m good at.” Hoshi looked even more indifferent than usual as he continued to walk down the hall, clearly trying to escape Kaito’s harassment.

“What about like. Good food? Your classmates? Getting a girlfriend and getting laid?” Kaito suggested.

Hoshi snorted. “Me? Getting a girlfriend? Or having sex? Yeah, right. That’s never going to happen.”

“Never say never man. I bet you’ll find the right chick for you sooner or later. There’s lots of women who are… your size, right? And I’m sure even normal girls might give you a chance if they got to know ya.”

Hoshi just kept walking, clearly deciding Kaito’s entirely well meaning suggestion was not as great as it actually was. All dudes wanted a hot girlfriend, right? Kaito couldn’t understand why Hoshi was so dismissive of it as being a good reason to live.

 

**Maki Harukawa-**

There were very few people Kaito respected more than Harumaki. Sure, she had a scary glare and could definitely kill all of them without breaking a sweat, but Kaito knew she wasn’t like that. She had been faithfully coming to train with him and Shuuichhi every morning for the past several weeks, and he thought he was beginning to break through her mask.

“Iruma made a bunch of jokes about me wanting ‘that astronaut D’ last night,” Maki commented, disdain clear in her voice. “I asked her if she wanted to die.”

Shuuichi made a face. “Miu is like that,” he admitted. “Was anyone else around?”

“It was right in front of Ouma and Kirumi. I swear if that little shit goes spreading her foul comments around I will break his neck. I can’t believe Iruma said _that_ in front of Kirumi.”

“Hey Harukmaki, I’m sure everyone knows that we’re just friends, yeah? Miu probably thinks it’s just weird for boys and girls to be friends.”

Shuuichi and Maki exchanged a quick glace. “It was more Kirumi that I was worried about,” Maki muttered, a slight blush crossing her face. “Anyone who’s enough of an idiot to believe Ouma deserves to be tricked.”

“Tojo doesn’t seem like the type to gossip,” Kaito said, scratching his head, “Dunno why you’re so worried about her gossiping.”

Once again, Shuuichi and Maki had a silent conversation with their eyes. “You know what Kaito? You’re absolutely right. We should switch to strength building now.”

Even as he agreed, Kaito couldn’t help but feel like he was missing something.

 

**Rantaro Amami-**

Kaito would like to think he got along pretty well with Amami, but sometimes the other boy was just plain bizarre. Having twelve sisters must have really screwed with his head, cause he was by far the least manly dude Kaito had ever met.

“So yeah, that’s why I learned to sew and knit,” Amami finished. “I guess it’s kinda a weird skill to have, but it means I can hang out with Shirogane and give her a hand with her cosplays sometimes.”

“You’re the girliest dude I’ve ever met,” Kaito commented. “Painting nails, sewing, what’s next? Doing makeup?”

Amami shrugged. “I mean I’m not great but I can do some stuff. I’ve been showing Kaede how to contour recently. She’s picking everything up really fast!”

“I never thought I’d see the day a dude taught a chick how to do her makeup and paint her nails.”

“People can be good at all sorts of things. You’re pretty into gender roles, huh? That would be just as weird to some people.”

“I guess, yeah, but not most… normal people. Like guys like you and Shuuichi might not be super manly but you get what I’m saying yeah?”

Amami gave Kaito a strained smile. “I’m gonna guess you don’t talk about this stuff with Maki. She’s not the most feminine girl out there, after all.”

Kaito shrugged. “I don’t wanna pick a fight. Say, Amami, have you thought about joining our workout group yet?”

 

**Miu Iruma-**

“Motherfucking shit bitch tits!” Iruma yelled as she kicked whatever invention she was currently working on. “Go suck a cock you fucking abortion!”

Kaito did his best not to make eye contact at the very, very frustrated inventor as he walked past her.

“You gotta problem, you small-dicked jock? Huh? Angry cause a hot bitch like me doesn’t want your nasty parts in my mouth?”

Kaito walked faster as Miu’s profanities began to increase and become even less anatomically possible. Whatever she was working on must have really gone wrong, Kaito decided. Usually Iruma kept her cussing to a theoretically possible level.

“Why are you running away you homophobic dickwad? Go choke on someone’s balls and get over it. Are you ignoring me cause I’m pan, huh?” Iruma continued to yell.

Kaito didn’t know what cooking supplies had to do with anything, but he had a bad feeling if he asked Iruma would suggest shoving certain utensils into certain places that would be less than pleasant.

 

**Gonta Gokuhara-**

“Gonta is sorry, but Gonta doesn’t understand why ‘picking up chicks’ is such an important part of being a gentleman. Shouldn’t gentlemen treat women with respect, and treat their partners well, regardless of their gender?”

Kaito sighed. Gonta was a great guy but he could be so naive. “Real men shouldn’t apologize so much,” he scolded for what felt like the millionth time. “And yeah you should respect women and all that but dudes like girls and most girls like it when a guy is strong and assertive.”

Gonta looked even more doubtful. “Do all gentlemen really only express interest in ladies?” He asked, looking slightly disappointed.

“I mean I guess there’s some fags out there who don’t but I wouldn’t really call ‘em gentlemen ya know? Real men want a girlfriend. Chicks making out is kinda hot though. Uh don’t tell Harumaki I said that, she’ll kick my ass!”

Gonta still looked upset but nodded. “Gonta will not tell Maki what you said, Gonta swears on his quest to become a gentleman. Gonta is going to go talk to Kaede now and see if she agrees with your advice.”

“See ya man,” Kaito called out as Gonta walked away. Maybe next week he could convince Gonta to cut his hair. Men just didn’t wear their hair long, he thought with a frown. Shinguugi was setting a bad example.

 

**Himiko Yumeno-**

Kaede had somehow convinced Kaito to attend one of Yumeno’s magic shows during lunch. There was a small stage set up with Yumeno and Chabashira standing on it, dressed in riddiculous costumes.

“Welcome to the great Mage Himiko Ymeno’s performance,” Chabashira declared. “Watch in amazement as Tenko’s,” Chabashira giggled, “beautiful girlfriend performs for you all!”

Kaito leaned over. “Why do girls call each other girlfriend? It’s kinda a weird way to refer to your friends isn’t it.”

“I agreed,” Shirogane said from Kaede’s other side. “How are you supposed to know when a girl likes other girls if she calls all her friends girlfriends?”

“That’s not what I meant,” Kaito said with a frown. He thought back to Shirogane’s weird obsession with shipping their classmates together.

“It’s just a way to show affection,” Kaede said absentmindedly. “You two should be quiet during Himiko’s performance so Tenko doesn’t get mad.”

Wisely, both Kaito and Shirogane decided to shut their mouths and watch the show.

 

**Kirumi Tojo-**

When Kaito went to pick his laundry up from Tojo, he didn’t expect to find Harumaki sitting on the couch next to her. He definitely didn’t expect Maki to be smiling and looking not even slightly murderous. They were sitting really close together, but Kaito figured girls were just kinda like that. It wasn’t weird for them to be all touchy-feely.

“Uh, hello? You said my laundry was done, Tojo?” Kaito said, feeling strangely awkward at walking in on the two of them.

“Oh, Momota, yes, I have it here. I did not expect you to arrive so soon to pick it up. My apologies,” Tojo said stiffly.

“Oh yeah guess I should have warned you,” Kaito muttered, slightly embarrassed. “I was just close to your room when I got the message. I didn’t know you and Harumaki were such good friends.”

A familiar murderous look crossed Maki’s face. “Don’t you dare tell anyone about seeing this, Space Boy. Not unless you want to die.”

“Whoa, whoa, don’t worry Harumaki. It’s good that you have girlfriends. Hanging out with guys all the time isn’t gonna get you a boyfriend any time soon. But you look a lot cuter when you’re smiling you know!”

Maki’s death glare intensified and the normally composed Tojo looked vaguely shocked and uncomfortable the longer Kaito spoke. “Get the hell out,” Maki hissed after a moment. Kaito nodded, grabbed his laundry, and left Tojo’s room at a pace that was definitely not a run. Leave it to Harumaki to be so weird about hanging out with a friend.

 

**Angie Yonaga-**

Yonaga was painting a portrait of herself, Chabashira, and Yumeno. Kaito watched her work in confusion. Were the there of them… holding hands? As far as he knew, Chabashira had a grudge against Yonaga dating back to Yonaga’s student council days. Maybe Yonaga wanted to be better friends with the other two girls?

Kaito glanced around the studio, looking for the one thing he had came for. He noticed a lot of art of Chabashira and Yumeno but decided it wasn’t his business. He wasn’t an artist, after all. Maybe Yonaga just enjoyed depicting their features? The collage of photos titled “My Girlfriends” was probably one of those weird female friendship things.

Spotting his promised pack of glow in the dark stars, Kaito grabbed it and left before Angie even noticed he was there.

 

**Korekiyo Shinguugi-**

Getting stuck washing dishes with Shinguugi was probably the closest thing to cruel and unusual punishment Kaito had ever experienced. Even though Tojo insisted it was a random assignment, he couldn’t help but suspect she did it on purpose when she made their chore rosters for the week.

“Humanity’s understanding of human gender is particularly beautiful,” Shinguugi rambled on, looking more like a serial killer than usual. “For instance, the number of genders recognized  varies quite a bit from culture to culture. The indigenous Hawaiians, for instances, have the concept of Mahu…”

“Dude can you just shut up about that anthropology shit?” Kaito asked after a long moment. “Especially about that weird gender shit. I don’t get it at all and I sure as hell don’t feel like learning from you.”

Shinguugi looked vaguely offended. “Cultural Anthropology is a very interesting field, and I find that understanding gender in other cultures helps me understand it in myself. Truly, beauty can be found in how, across the world, people create words to explain their experiences and identities. The nonbinary identity in America, or X-Gender here in Japan… all of it is truly wonderful.”

“Dude,” Kaito repeated. “Can we just. Wash the dishes.”

“Please do not refer to me by gendered terms such as ‘dude’. I will wash if you dry, Momota. Is that amenable to you?”

“Yeah, yeah. Dunno why you care about me calling you dude when you’re a guy. Even if you have long hair and wear eyeliner or whatever you’re still a man.”

Shinguugi gave Kaito a pointedly superior look at didn’t reply. Kaito resisted the urge to stick his head into the sink full of soapy water.

 

**Kaede Akematsu-**

Kaede was painting her nails in the music room, humming along to some classical song Kaito had heard but didn’t know the name of when he came in. “Hey Kaede,” he greeted. “What are you listening to?”

“Oh, hi Kaito! I’m playing all of Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake. What brings you to the music room so early? I didn’t know you could play anything.”

“Oh uh no that’s not why I’m here. I was, uh, looking for you.” Kaito scratched his head awkwardly. “Rantaro’s looking for you, said he got a bunch of clothes from one of his sisters for you or something? I dunno but I said I’d tell you cause he needed to ask Tojo something about alterations for pants.”

Kaede gave a wide smile. “Oh good! I can’t wait to see what Rantaro has for me!” She exclaimed, pulling her hand down in front of her shirt, newly painted nails curling into a fist. “Oh no,” she sighed, “I’ll have to ask him to help me with my nails too. Rantaro is fantastic at painting nails, you know!”

“Haha yeah, it’s not very manly but I guess that’s what having a bunch of sisters does to you. I’m surprised you’re not better. I thought all little girls painted their nails and did makeup and all that?”

Kaede gave him a confused look and opened her mouth to say something. After a moment, she clearly changed her mind about what she was going to say, and returned to her usual cheery expression. “You’re funny, Kaito. Thanks for letting me know about Rantaro! I’ll see you later, yeah?”

As Kaede left the room, Kaito wondered why she was so excited about used clothing. Didn’t all girls love shopping? He was sure that Kaede had mounds of her own skirts and dresses or whatever, but if second hand stuff made her happy, Kaito decided it wasn’t really =his business.

 

**Shuuichi Saihara-**

Out of all their classmates, Shuuichi was Kaito’s best friend. The two of them did pretty much everything together, from working out to getting meals in the cafeteria together after classes. Maybe Shuuichi had been a bit of a wuss when they first met, but being Kaito’s sidekick had really taught him to man up.

With how close they were, Kaito just couldn’t understand why Shuuichi was so embarrassed by him walking in on the other boy sitting topless and giving himself a shot on the arm. As soon as his dorm room opened, Shuuichi startled and covered his shirt.

“Kaito! You could have knocked!” He said, blushing.

“We’re both guys, no need to be self conscious Shuuichi,” Kaito said easily. “I didn’t know you had to give yourself shots? Are you diabetic or whatever?”

Shuuichi shook his head. “Not diabetic, a different medical thing. I don’t really like talking about it.”

“You shouldn’t be embarrassed about being sick then. I mean you know all about what I have, yeah? I’m here if you wanna talk about it.”

“I don’t like people seeing me shirtless,” Shuuichi muttered quietly. “But yeah I might talk to you about the medical stuff… later.”

“Come on man, so what if you’re not super ripped? Your pec muscles are looking pretty good and I’m sure you’ll have a six pack in no time.”

A brief look of disbelief crossed Shuuichi’s face but Kaito shrugged it off. Not everyone could be as confident in his body as he was after all!

 

**Kokichi Ouma-**

Kaito hated Ouma more than any of his other classmates. There was just something about the short boy that was so unbelievably frustrating. The constant lies and cynical outlook made it nearly impossible for Kaito to believe that Ouma could be a halfway decent person. And, in times like these, he had to deal with whatever nonsense Ouma felt like pulling.

“So how does it feel being the only cishet in the class,” Ouma asked, giving his trademark giggle.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kaito replied, trying to understand Ouma’s motivations for saying such a strange thing. “It’s not that cool to talk about our classmates private lives and make those kinds of assumptions.”

Ouma stared at Kaito for a moment/ “You… really don’t know? Nishishishi I didn’t know you could be such an _idiot_. No one in this school except you is straight and cisgender! We’re all queer!”

“Ouma! I believe in all our classmates. I can’t believe you’d imply they could be a bunch of fags or whatever. That’s low, even for a liar like you.”

Ouma continued to stare. “You know what? I thought everyone was kidding but I guess you really are that fucking dense!”

Kaito watched the self-proclaimed supreme leader storm angrily out of the room. “Wonder what’s up with him,” Kaito muttered before leaving the room too.

 

**Kaito Momota-**

Kaito looked at all his classmates, trying to calm the nerves in his stomach. He had asked Kaede to call a class meeting so he could make an important announcement, but now he was regretting his choice. Maybe it would be easier to have told everyone individually after all…

“Everyone’s here, Kaito! What was the announcement you wanted to make?” Kaede declared after taking a quick headcount. Too late to back out now, Kaito decided.

“Well,” he couched, “I’m sure you all have heard me make… less than polite comments about hoomosexual and transgender individuals. However, after a lot of self reflection, I’ve come to realize I am a bisexual man, and my homophobic comments were emerging from internalized homophobia.”

There was a long pause as Kaito looked at his classmates. “I know this must be a shock, and I may be the only non-straight individual you know, but I promise I’m the same person you’ve always known. My sexuality doesn’t change who I am inside, and I’m more than who I’m attracted to.”

Kaito took a deep breath and prepared for rejection. None of his classmates were saying a single word, and he could feel his heart racing in his chest.

“Holy shit I didn’t think it was possible for someone to be this big of an idiot,” Ouma declared, letting out a short “nishishishi” ask he spoke.

Maki glanced over at the shorter boy. “I never thought I’d agree with you, but shit you’re right. He really is a dumbass isn’t he?”


End file.
